Since my mom is trying to get me into her GP down here for an appointment instead of down at school, hopefully I’ll be seeing someone within the next week or so. It won’t help if they have to refer me to a specialist, but at least I’ll be able to talk to someone and maybe get some of this shit figured out because pretty soon I think it may really start to cause some damage.

Things to Discuss with GP

• PCOS diagnosis – where to go from here
• Liver damage – any better / worse than before?
• My complete inability to sleep
• My complete lack of any desire to eat

I freaking hate to feel like all I’m doing is complaining, but I just feel everything that I am slipping further and further away with each and every passing day. I just can’t seem to get a grip on reality and hold onto it long enough to pull myself out of the hole that I’ve fallen into. I want to feel better… I want to be happy… But right now it just seems like it’s out of my reach.

There’s just so many things I’m feeling right now. And so many things I want to do.. Most of them are childish crap like screaming, kicking, crying, breaking things, etc… But I’ve been doing a much better job of keeping myself composed than I thought I’d be. Yet maybe that’s what I need to do. Everyone always says that stuffing your face in a pillow and screaming as loud as you can is semi-therapeutic.. Maybe I’ll try that out.

I’ve always been very adamant about keeping my problems to myself. I don’t know why, I just don’t like to talk about things. But I’m thinking of taking up our school’s offer of 10 free visits to the two therapists that work at our wellness center. Because if there’s one thing I’ve proven over the last couple years is that there is almost nobody I know who can listen to my problems / react objectively to them, and I really don’t want to burden those who can. So maybe talking to a therapist will help.

Though I’m somewhat scared to do it, because I guess I’m nervous that they’ll decide something really is wrong with me. And refuse to be put on any sort of medication for depression or other mental conditions. Until I’m either a danger to those around me/myself, or someone finds me with a knife and inch into my wrist / an empty bottle of aspirin, I don’t want medications to “fix” me. I just want to TALK and work through my problems on my own. If it turns out that doing so is impossible, then maybe I’ll have to revisit my opinion on anti-depressants… But until then, no drugs.

But there I go again being dramatic… I’m sorry guys… Just seem to be overly emotional the past couple weeks. This should be the best time of my life but instead its the worst.