New Year, New Start

So it’s a new year… Back to blogging for Whitters. And I really think that I need to stick with it this time. Blogging was always somewhat therapeutic for me, but I’ve just been so busy that I ignored it for the longest time. I only blogged when I felt like it, and just really didn’t pay attention to my websites or this “world”.

I’ve been having a really hard time lately though. I’ve been so stressed out over many different things, and it is quite literally driving me slowly insane. There’s a lot of things that I’ve been doing lately that really aren’t good, but with all the stress, I haven’t been able to get myself to stop.

Sleep for me pretty much isn’t happening anymore. I’m up until 5 or 6 am, and then I’ll sleep a couple hours from pure exhaustion, and then wake up again. There have only been a couple times in the past few weeks that I’ve gotten significant amounts of sleep, but I still wasn’t falling asleep until around 5-6-7… I slept until 5pm one night, and on new years day I slept until about 2 after having fallen asleep around 6am being unable to stay up and talk with Mike and Chris (who both spent the night at my house) any longer. I feel absolutely shot all of the time, but no matter what I try, I can’t sleep.

I also haven’t been eating very well either. Its either I eat and then immediately feel sick to my stomach from being stressed and nervous, or I don’t eat at all, or I only eat at like 4am and then it’s all junk because I don’t want to make noise and wake up my mother. There have been a few pockets where I feel okay and I eat something (like when Mike was here and we got Chinese Food, or when I was at my Aunt Karen’s house last night). But they don’t last forever, and it’s starting to take its toll.

My mom is going to help me get all of the doctors appointments that I need to get over the next couple months. I’m going to see my allergist Tuesday to tell him that the medicine, shots, and nasal spray just are NOT working, and that I need to be put on something different, or have a new test to determine what my allergies really are (because obviously the specialized meds that I’m on don’t help). I’ve got to go in and get my last Gardasil shot (since I already paid for two, might as well get the last), get a GP and hopefully get back on my PCOS meds, have my liver checked out again to make sure there’s no more damage being done to it (if there is, God help me)..

And then I need to go get my hair done but have no clue what I’m going to do. I need to make a decision, because the temptation to let my mood get the best of me and just dye it all jet-black is really strong. But honestly, I wouldn’t look good with all black hair (at least I don’t think so)… Meaning I need to figure something out and fast!

But before anyone prods about what’s stressing me out… It’s not really things that I can easily discuss. Sure, I can tell you that I think my grandmother is going to die before I graduate… That I’m scared to death of the future.. But I can’t convey just how crippling this all is to me. I’ve never felt like this ever before in my life. And a psuedo-bombshell that got dropped on me tonight isn’t making matters any better. But that’s all stuff for me to figure out. For me to deal with.

And hopefully I can.